Lost

MEXICANS LOST IN MEXICO. I hadn’t thought much about this title of the first part of Roberto Bolaño’s The Savage Detectives, until the second half of this segment, when I started to truly feel Juan García Madero’s deep feelings of uncertainty and solitude. I don’t know if Bolaño intended on this title being a representation of the young narrator’s feelings of emptiness and loneliness, or if he was trying to make a statement about the feelings shared by many of the characters in the story. Or perhaps he meant something else completely? But near the end of this first section of the novel, all I could feel was a deep sense of loneliness and sadness in my heart. Perhaps this is because I have felt completely “lost” during many parts of my life, especially as a teenager. That feeling of being lost was always enveloped in solitude and a lack of a sense of purpose. Similarly, I don’t get the impression that Juan has a clear sense of direction and purpose in his life. He goes to law school, ends up joining a group of poets (the visceral realists) and completely neglecting his studies, followed by seeking out momentary thrills, which is demonstrated by his many sexual encounters. And yet at the end of everything, he seems unfulfilled. At times, he says he wants one thing, then completely contradicts himself afterwards, such as when he says he doesn’t want to sleep with María anymore but then desires doing that more than anything else. Perhaps he is just completely controlled by his raging hormones, which make him pursue things that he says he doesn’t want to do? I understand that he’s seventeen and that many people at that age are still trying to figure out who they are; teenagers trying to find themselves. He admits that he was “clueless about what to do with my life” (p. 123). This is a part of coming of age, which this novel captures quite well.

I have a great appreciation for Bolaño’s writing style. It’s simple, yet it communicates a lot. At times I found the text to be humorous and entertaining, but most of all, I appreciated the narrator’s way of expressing his thoughts and emotions in an honest and raw manner. The fact that he contradicts himself actually gives us the sense that he is human. I must give credit to Bolaño for constructing such a three-dimensional character, with very real emotions and desires. A lot is communicated by silence. The moments of introspection and quiet contemplation resonated with me. I like how we spend a lot of time in Juan’s thoughts. We get to know him. And we come to realize how unfulfilled he is with his (new) life when he describes “the abyss that opened up behind me if I looked over my shoulder…holding only darkness, silence, and emptiness” (p. 125).

This is how it feels to be lost.